021207 - UK

I’m doomed. I’m a selfish mum. I don’t want anyone else to take care of her anymore even though I know they do a better job then I can for the time being. I want her home now. Today I feel frustrated. It’s very difficult some days to organise everything with Mary Ann at the hospital and Cecilie and the dog at home. Actually it felt like chaos today. A friend had been so kind to have Cecilie for a sleepover with her two girls. Then we could have more time at the hospital with Mary Ann. But we had to drive Cecilie back and forward several times anyway both today and yesterday because Cecilie had misunderstood when she was supposed to go to football and because she forgot her things twice! That meant that we were totally stressed with Mary Ann at the hospital for the last meal. Unfortunately I’m sure that Mary Ann could feel it. She didn’t want to eat by bottle tonight and she was more difficult to calm down. I feel terrible about that. She did eat most by bottle on the earlier meals. So she is still in progress. Again today we spend some hours in my bed together. We both enjoyed that. For the second time she had to change into a bigger size nappy. Actually she is not big enough for a bigger nappy size wise but because of the large amount that is coming out of her small body now, we had to give her a bigger nappy from now on. She now uses the newborn size. She must be more than two kilos now since she was 1995g yesterday. It will be interesting to weigh her tomorrow.

011207 - UK

Today has been the most wonderful day with Mary Ann. She has gained a lot of weight now again. She is up to 1995g! So the last two days of extra feeding became her well. She has gained 117g in these two days instead of expected 50g. She doesn’t seem as she has a cold any longer. She must have a strong health then, since it didn’t take a long time for her to be okay again.
We had the opportunity to be alone the three of us in the room I surprisingly sill have with a bed. I lied there in the bed with her next to me and Neil in the chair besides the bed. We stayed there for a couple of hours on our own. I feel more and more connected to her in line with the time I spend with her.
So it was very hard to leave her tonight especially since she was right a wake when we had to go. From the beginning people always asked if it was difficult to leave her behind when we went home. I haven’t felt it was dreadful difficult, since I didn’t feel/understand she really was mine. I felt a little left out. Yesterday I told Neil that I might not be feeling like Mary Ann’s mum before I had done something to deserve that right to be this perfect little creator’s mum. Maybe I am this mum now from this moment, because I sure don’t like to leave her behind anymore. I feel split now. I want to stay there every night. But in the same time I also now it’s better to try to enjoy these weeks where we don’t loose any nights sleep. I function a lot better here in my house and we need to be in our own house as much as possible because of Cecilie and the dog, which we don’t have anyone to take care of when we’re not around. If we had someone to take Tiree out on walks I would defiantly stay longer at the hospital. I truly need to think positive today. Therefore I will now enjoy, I can use my computer, watch some TV, and sleep in my own bed …