301207 - UK

Is having kids not suppose to keep you young? I looked 15 years older in the night when I was at the loo. I guess that I after all have changed after having kids in some aspects. I’m still philosophising about this; has the world changed in my eyes or have I, after having Mary Ann? One thing is for sure. I’m a lot more nervous to loose now. I wake up totally scared because I have dreamt that I have lost one of them. I go directly to check on Mary Ann. Is she still breathing? Is Neil still here? Is Cecilie doing okay? Neil has always teased me when I felt the urge to check upon Cecilie. He does not understand that I want to check an 11 year old in the middle of her sleep. I do realise that she can’t die of cot death. But you never know what else could happen. Imagine to loose your treasure without even knowing is was there. When Cecilie was four years old sleeping in Neil’s bedroom I could wake up feeling that she didn’t breath/snore. I had to wake up Neil as well because I couldn’t reach her while lying their in her high bed. I can tell you, I was not miss popular, waking him up like that. I guess he came to his senses in the morning when he suddenly embraced me and gave me a big kiss on the forehead (like you do at a child); Thank you for caring so much. Thank you? Thank you is word used when someone do an effort. I’m just my normal self doomed with this fidgety feeling 24/7. I didn’t say anything. I just mumble something about a proper girlfriend kiss on the lips would be a treasured gesture.

291207 - UK

Bottle feeding is truly an art form. Especially when it’s going on for 3,5 hours. Today Mary Ann had this idea that she only want to eat a little but all the time. That meant that I was running around to warm some more milk and I had a cold porridge and cold tea after the first 3 hours. I didn’t want to get up again to make myself some new breakfast. I try a new approach today regarding my own nutrition. I have big problem with my blood sucker if I don’t eat on a regular basic. It was close that I fainted twice in the last two days. I have heard from other mums that they have the same problem when they are busy with their babies. Since I don’t feel busy and the slightest stressed I didn’t think about the importance with the nutrition. So in quiet time I make my self small pieces of different fruit now so it’s easy to get some kind of healthy food when I sit with Mary Ann.
Cecilie has asked again to feed Mary Ann. But she finds it difficult so I didn’t allow her. But now I came up with an idea that might work out for Cecilie so she now can get some success experience to make Cecilie want to keep feeding Mary Ann. I found that it was a lot easier to keep Mary Ann in her crib while feeding. Then you have both hands free. I will only do that myself sometimes when it’s too hard to get up and down the chair all the time. Like this morning and again this evening where I’m totally boosted. We have all been cleaning the house after each ones ability. That meant that Cecilie was doing the vacuuming in the whole house. She did complain a bit but she did it all by her self. I had to tell her a couple of time that neither Neil or I could do it because of health and normally we always pay someone else to do it. Our cleaning lady didn’t come last Thursday for some reason. So we had to do it our self this week. Of curse Cecilie complain when it’s chores time. But she always does what I ask her. She is such a good girl.
I want Cecilie to know that kindness and willingness is worth a while. We want to raise Mary Ann in the same way of curse. So after dinner we will watch some dvd with Cecilie. That is something she really enjoy that we do together.
I love that Cecilie want to do some things with us. You never know when that will change. Cecilie said today that it must be good for me that I now have Mary Ann to spoil, spent time with and kiss all the time “now when I’m almost too big for all that”. Cecilie also asked what I’m looking much forward for with Mary Ann. If it is when she can eat normal food or walk. I’m just looking forward for – it all. When she can tell if she feels loved enough, safe enough, or when she can laugh, when she can smile or just for a new day with her. Everything changes so quickly so you better enjoy every single simple moment. You don’t get it back.