100208 - UK

I thought being on leave would change me somehow, making me more relaxed. I guess not. Not even when being on leave after a big surgery I can relax. Somehow it is just impossible for me. Then I count the days for being back to work again, getting on with my life. Often I go back to work long before I’m actually ready. I hope I will not do that this time. I guess I won’t. This time I have Mary Ann to take care of. So I need to be as well as possible.
I look so much forward for the daily life, waking up knowing Neil is next to me, having a little quiet time on my own before I wake up the rest of the family, making them all ready, going to work, shopping, picking up Mary Ann, doing the different household choirs, having dinner together. All that which sometimes make people wanting to hurl is my kind of ideal family life.
I’m thinking of my restless self because the Health Visitor guessed right away that I was this kind of person looking at the clock all the time. My motto has always been Carpe Diem – seize the day. I mean it as in grab all the opportunities you got while you can to make the most out of your life. Maybe I should more see it as Be Present! I always look at the time for example when having a little nap. Then I think if Mary Ann and I fall a sleep right now it will give me 30 minutes sleep, then 25 … 20 and so on. I didn’t understand why she easy fall a sleep with Neil and not I. If someone is relaxed like all the time it’s Neil. So no wonder really she can sense that. I could learn much from him. I hope I am through the years spending quality time with him.
I’m totally relaxed when I feed her and often we both fall a sleep after the feed unless I need to do something on the computer, some household things, thinking my many thoughts I simply have to right down etc. As now 6am when finally in bed again. Mary Ann woke me up at 4am being hungry. You should think I could sleep again then, but no. I started thinking of all sorts of things I wanted to write down. If it’s not because of thinking, it’s because of pain in my joints I stay awake. Something I’m so tired that I can sleep no matter what luckily. So I will be alright. It’s more the situation with Mary Ann where I can’t relax I’m thinking of.
I guess I feel a little pressed. I still have all these things because of my health to take care of and in the same time the same health situation is slowing me down more than usually. I find it difficult to be relaxed and spend time with Mary Ann. Tomorrow I go for a meeting with the social adviser at the hospital. I hope that will help my work level a bit. She will continue some different affairs and lawsuits I have with the local authority. She understands me completely and I know she will do a great job. These days it has been a matter of making it all ready for her. My mind is so full of all the new things with Mary Ann and therefore it has been very difficult collecting all the information the social adviser will need. However I think I have it all ready for her now.
I have a little time to finish the papers for tomorrow. The rest of the day we will have a good tea break with some neighbours. They come to meet their new little neighbour Mary Ann. Cecilie is playing with her friend Signe. Like yesterday I think we will watch something together at the telly.