301207 - UK

Is having kids not suppose to keep you young? I looked 15 years older in the night when I was at the loo. I guess that I after all have changed after having kids in some aspects. I’m still philosophising about this; has the world changed in my eyes or have I, after having Mary Ann? One thing is for sure. I’m a lot more nervous to loose now. I wake up totally scared because I have dreamt that I have lost one of them. I go directly to check on Mary Ann. Is she still breathing? Is Neil still here? Is Cecilie doing okay? Neil has always teased me when I felt the urge to check upon Cecilie. He does not understand that I want to check an 11 year old in the middle of her sleep. I do realise that she can’t die of cot death. But you never know what else could happen. Imagine to loose your treasure without even knowing is was there. When Cecilie was four years old sleeping in Neil’s bedroom I could wake up feeling that she didn’t breath/snore. I had to wake up Neil as well because I couldn’t reach her while lying their in her high bed. I can tell you, I was not miss popular, waking him up like that. I guess he came to his senses in the morning when he suddenly embraced me and gave me a big kiss on the forehead (like you do at a child); Thank you for caring so much. Thank you? Thank you is word used when someone do an effort. I’m just my normal self doomed with this fidgety feeling 24/7. I didn’t say anything. I just mumble something about a proper girlfriend kiss on the lips would be a treasured gesture.